Eating Disorder Treatment: Compulsive Eating
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“Oh, she’s a big girl, she likes her food”.
The fact is, I don’t “like” food. I hate food. It’s transformed me into someone wholly defined by the layers of tissue that spill over the top of my jeans. But I also love food. I worship it. I yearn for it. Every waking minute is shaped by what I am eating and what I will be eating in the near future.
The issue is, you can’t just give up food. It’s not like being an alcoholic. You’d die. I try to eat good foods but as soon as that first portion of fruit passes my mouth it’s like a switch has been flicked and abruptly I’m indulging on whatever I can lay my hands on.
I binge sightlessly and indiscriminately, filling a cavity that isn’t in my tummy. I don’t know why I can’t stop.
I see people gawking at me on the streets, judging me. Fat is self indulgent. Fat is lazy. Fat people are second-class citizens. If they could live a day inside my mind, obsessed with consumption, a refuge where I can find relief and even short-lived moments of delight in a life which is otherwise cheerless, they might realise that I’m every bit as deserving of compassion as an anorexic.
Food is my comrade and whilst my most central relationship in life is with food, I have no passion left to give to anyone, or anything else. I used to love painting once. Not now. I can’t rouse the interest I used to feel because with every passing second I’m speculating about where my next meal’s going to come from.
My GP has offered me antidepressants, as if an fake, chemical feeling of happiness is going to divert me from my constant cycle of binge-eating and misery.
I want to change my brain. I know other people eat normally. They aren’t driven mad with thoughts about food every second of every day. I want to listen to my tummy and know when it’s advising me I’m hungry. I have forgotten how that feels – instinct.
That’s why I’m going to Mark Newey at Winning Minds. His unique neural recoding therapy can free me of the shackles of my addiction and the person I have become. It can remind me of the person I honestly am and give me the independence I want and deserve.
Log onto www.winningminds.co.uk/eating-disorders
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